Have I lost myself?

At times, when i discretely look at myself, I wonder over what I have become over the years. Or, how I have departed from what i was.

I still remember my Day 1 at my new school. I was not scared, unlike other ex classmates of mine, for I had been a wonderkid at my previous school, oozing of energy and self confidence. The way i used to excel at almost everything i did, the quizzing zealot i was, everything was lost gradually by the time i ended schooling. Losing all of that, what I had gained was a strong ability of communication and impressing upon people, an image of what i was actually not. I was a radical, but gradually became a part of the system. I wonder if it all has happened for good or for bad. I do regret it sometimes, at other times i dont. People like me more now, I have become readily acceptable, as against, i was majorly a loner back in class 6th. But, over the years, I have become hollow, staying confident on the outside, but fearing almost everything and everyone I see, hear, sense on the inside.
The memories of what I was, haunt me sometime, forcing me to give it a thought, If I am really happy and satisfied with what I have become. I cant runaway from them, for I have to face them at almost each and every step in my life. Moreover, these things are so little in nature, that its impossible to eradicate them. The very little things we do, sometimes have a great impact on our living, though we may not realise it at the moment of committing the act, but some time down the line, they come back to haunt us.

"Change is the only constant of Universe"

I agree, but is the change always good? Cant i become what i was, still retaining the success I've had because of this new me? Cant i return to myself? Cant i become the fearless, confident, me?
I have grown strong on the outside, but have decayed on the inside, falling prey to the system. I have killed my creativity, my ingenuity,my honesty to myself (yes, I am not honest to myself even) just to succeed in this materialistic world which is a slave to the system. I too, have become a part of the system, I have also turned into a mere mortal, who would one day die like thousands others who die everyday.

I have forgotten who i am.
I have lost myself.

Its all about patterns

"Its all about patterns, recurrent patterns...."

I had once come across this on a gentleman's profile's in his about me section. I had interacted with him fr a very short period, but he was a fun to talk to kinda guy. Anyway, this has nothing to do with him except fr the statement above was his profile introduction.

I am a very curious individual. I always question things around me. Always looking for the reasons and logic. And I believe that the basic elements behind everything, everything that happens or exists in the whole world has to be very simple. I believe so cz m inspired by one of the greatest thinking brains ever, Einstein. He, though an atheist, believed in only one God. He called him science God, the God of simplicity. According to him, things could not be complex, if they were, either the paradigm was wrong or the perspective.

I am a keen observer. I have always loved observing people and their behavior, when in different circumstances. How they react or how they appear to react. I do not rely much on what people say, because words can be elusive. And as they say,

"What you are, shouts so loudly in my ears, I cant hear what u say".

Human behavior according to me, reflects in every thing they do, make, write, speak etc etc.
Though every individual and his behavior might differ from others, but then there are some traits that help us categorise them. Every individual may have some bound aspects, which we may call the integrated individuality, and other loose aspects which we can identify and categorise.



The bound aspects, that represent the individuality is nothing but again is composed of loose aspects bound together, arranged in some fashion to give a distinct unidentifiable shape. Its like geometry. Basic geometric shapes like traingles, squares and circles are identifiable. But, if we get a little creative and mix and merge these shapes, what would result may be a shape that cant be standardised or classified. But ultimately are composed of these basic shapes. Similar is the case with behavior/personality. An individual personality similarly can said to be composed of various basic patterns, that are superimposed on each other in a random fashion that provides the individual with a distinct personality.





It can also be compared to a DNA pattern. The basic genes are the same, but when organised in different manner, results in an altogether different pattern and that DNA pattern as we know is the differentiating factor among the various individuals when talking on biological terms. Thus, the DNA may appear howsoever complex, it still is composed of very simple building block genes.



So, what may appear ever so complex, acc to me, is not that mysterious when u look at its basic elements. There are a few basic behavorial patterns that arranged or superimposed in different fashion may result in mystic behaviours.

Understanding this has helped me come a long way in my understanding of people and their psyche. Though no theory is ever complete, and this is no exception. I have made errors in the past in understanding people, and may continue to do so in the future. Still, i enjoy my tryst with the mysteries that surround me, looking for answers... till my soul deserts my body and finds eternal peace...