Sawaal

Naa jeeney deti hai naa khud jeeti hai, tere aane ki ummeed;
Meherbaani hai ya hai sazaa hai meri deewangi ki?

Sifar

Some times, some days, like the day that is today

Ruffling through the archives of my memories

Undisturbed, unperturbed that had been for ages

Just waiting for the moment that is now

Amazing me, by the very simplicity of the lies which the chaos belies

Nourishing me

Amor

a sinking feeling.

Something happened, didn't it? Or was it just an illusion?

U think u saw a shadow around the corner. Wasn't it her?
cud she be?

something's wrong.. isn't it? but u can't place what it is.. in fact, there shouldn't be.. U have no reason to doubt..
or do u?

then why is it that u have this feeling, and even if its there, why doesn't it go away?

why do feel like a clock's ticking.. slowly and steadily.. what are u afraid of? It cant strike 12 again.. right?


right?



Why do u feel like you're going down? as if you're being swallowed by the past and the future?

What is past is past, right? or is it just past?






I don't know what it is..

It just makes me feel like m falling, falling freely...
Its like as if someone threw me off into a dark, bottomless pit..
Its like coming down in a roller coaster..
Its like that first proposal, which met a pair of cold eyes..
Its like when you saw that girl u liked, with someone else..
Its like that feeling, just before you fainted because of that accident injury..
Its like that moment of despair, when that machine broke down just when u were about to win..
Its like when u flunked that term paper..
Its like what you felt when u didn't see your name on that list..
Its like what you felt when u crashed your new car onto a divider..
Its like what you felt when you were about to let someone very dear go..

Its like when you knew u had screwed it all up..


its a sinking feeling..

Merry go round

Life's a function of time... A cyclic function of time..


aaj fir wahi mausam hai
fir wahi shaam hai aaj...

zehen mein aaj fir wahi uljhan hai
fir ek jawaab ki talaash hai aaj...

aawara ye dil chahta hai chhoo lu aasmaan
fir se ek udaan ki darkaar hai aaj...

khayaalon ka dariya bhar hai tasavvur mein
fir ek saahil ki chaahat hai aaj...

hai le aayi zindagi usi mukaam par
fir ek safar ki tamanna hai aaj...

ye kaisi si khushboo fiza mei faili hui hai
fir se hawaaon mein wo rangat hai aaj...

hai dhadkaa aaj ye dil fir se
fir kisi pe mar mit jaane ki neeyat hai aaj...

Shards

and as they take me to that cave
darkness within...
inviting me..
caressing my body....

as shards fly to welcome me
cutting me in.
leaving a hole..
in my soul...

and as i disintegrate...
to annihilate....
those shards shine in my light..
lighten up your world...

Numb

Nothing matters much...... Nothing much matters...


Forgetting myself as the time flies
everything lost in frnt of my eyes
yet another blow, but it dsnt hurt anymore
if anything matters at all m not sure



Voices echo in my head all day long.... The sacred chants, the manson shit, the sweet giggles... its all mixed up....
The past comes back to haunt me, tolls the bells, just as i start feeeling grateful for the riddance...
Life is a function of time..somebody told me.... i discovered that it is cyclic in nature... it all comes back to what it was.. nothing actually changes... the change is only apparent.. not real...

As i sit down against cold ground, frozen in time, random thoughts fly past my mind, and in a desperate effort to comprehend them, as i blink my eyes, a silent tear lives out its whole life... And as i gape in amazement, trying to understand the intensity of that one moment, another passes....

The cold blasts of air dont touch me... neither does the scorching heat..
The sun doesnt blind me... nor does the full moon soothes my eyes...
The sweet or the sour... it all tastes the same...so does the success and defeat...
everyone is so far away that it'd take me eons to reach them...
i walk on plain air, levitated, no one can touch me...

U talk to me... assuming that i am listening.. but all i listen to are the voices in my head...u think I am looking at you... but i pointlessly stare into the space...

Nothing matters much...... Nothing much matters...

Is this this what you call being

Numb?

Have I lost myself?

At times, when i discretely look at myself, I wonder over what I have become over the years. Or, how I have departed from what i was.

I still remember my Day 1 at my new school. I was not scared, unlike other ex classmates of mine, for I had been a wonderkid at my previous school, oozing of energy and self confidence. The way i used to excel at almost everything i did, the quizzing zealot i was, everything was lost gradually by the time i ended schooling. Losing all of that, what I had gained was a strong ability of communication and impressing upon people, an image of what i was actually not. I was a radical, but gradually became a part of the system. I wonder if it all has happened for good or for bad. I do regret it sometimes, at other times i dont. People like me more now, I have become readily acceptable, as against, i was majorly a loner back in class 6th. But, over the years, I have become hollow, staying confident on the outside, but fearing almost everything and everyone I see, hear, sense on the inside.
The memories of what I was, haunt me sometime, forcing me to give it a thought, If I am really happy and satisfied with what I have become. I cant runaway from them, for I have to face them at almost each and every step in my life. Moreover, these things are so little in nature, that its impossible to eradicate them. The very little things we do, sometimes have a great impact on our living, though we may not realise it at the moment of committing the act, but some time down the line, they come back to haunt us.

"Change is the only constant of Universe"

I agree, but is the change always good? Cant i become what i was, still retaining the success I've had because of this new me? Cant i return to myself? Cant i become the fearless, confident, me?
I have grown strong on the outside, but have decayed on the inside, falling prey to the system. I have killed my creativity, my ingenuity,my honesty to myself (yes, I am not honest to myself even) just to succeed in this materialistic world which is a slave to the system. I too, have become a part of the system, I have also turned into a mere mortal, who would one day die like thousands others who die everyday.

I have forgotten who i am.
I have lost myself.

Its all about patterns

"Its all about patterns, recurrent patterns...."

I had once come across this on a gentleman's profile's in his about me section. I had interacted with him fr a very short period, but he was a fun to talk to kinda guy. Anyway, this has nothing to do with him except fr the statement above was his profile introduction.

I am a very curious individual. I always question things around me. Always looking for the reasons and logic. And I believe that the basic elements behind everything, everything that happens or exists in the whole world has to be very simple. I believe so cz m inspired by one of the greatest thinking brains ever, Einstein. He, though an atheist, believed in only one God. He called him science God, the God of simplicity. According to him, things could not be complex, if they were, either the paradigm was wrong or the perspective.

I am a keen observer. I have always loved observing people and their behavior, when in different circumstances. How they react or how they appear to react. I do not rely much on what people say, because words can be elusive. And as they say,

"What you are, shouts so loudly in my ears, I cant hear what u say".

Human behavior according to me, reflects in every thing they do, make, write, speak etc etc.
Though every individual and his behavior might differ from others, but then there are some traits that help us categorise them. Every individual may have some bound aspects, which we may call the integrated individuality, and other loose aspects which we can identify and categorise.



The bound aspects, that represent the individuality is nothing but again is composed of loose aspects bound together, arranged in some fashion to give a distinct unidentifiable shape. Its like geometry. Basic geometric shapes like traingles, squares and circles are identifiable. But, if we get a little creative and mix and merge these shapes, what would result may be a shape that cant be standardised or classified. But ultimately are composed of these basic shapes. Similar is the case with behavior/personality. An individual personality similarly can said to be composed of various basic patterns, that are superimposed on each other in a random fashion that provides the individual with a distinct personality.





It can also be compared to a DNA pattern. The basic genes are the same, but when organised in different manner, results in an altogether different pattern and that DNA pattern as we know is the differentiating factor among the various individuals when talking on biological terms. Thus, the DNA may appear howsoever complex, it still is composed of very simple building block genes.



So, what may appear ever so complex, acc to me, is not that mysterious when u look at its basic elements. There are a few basic behavorial patterns that arranged or superimposed in different fashion may result in mystic behaviours.

Understanding this has helped me come a long way in my understanding of people and their psyche. Though no theory is ever complete, and this is no exception. I have made errors in the past in understanding people, and may continue to do so in the future. Still, i enjoy my tryst with the mysteries that surround me, looking for answers... till my soul deserts my body and finds eternal peace...

I against I

"I-ya,
I against I,
Flesh of my flesh,
And mind of my mind,
Two of a kind but one won't survive,
My images reflect in the enemies eye,
And his images reflect in in mine the same time"



"Hey! what do u think about this? do u wanna be a part of it?"

FUCK!!!

there are times like these... when u have to fight urself...
Problems arise when there are the two of you in one and only one can have its way..

its the situation when u cnt bring the two to a consensus, so they fight.
Only one shall survive....... who will???

FUCK!!!
FUCK!!!
FUCK!!!


I cnt get my mind off it... and in knw thats not possible before i let them battle it out..
But, in the end, I am the one who loses...


If put in a situation, where either u may chase your dreams to success or failure on one side, where u have no one, absofuckinlutely no one by ur side... on the other side, is ur routine practically led life, where everyone is there beside you...
What would you choose?

pat will come the reply, go for ur dreams, live for urself blah blah blah

CRAP!

Do you know how big is it? its abt the whole of my life... its abt my career, my future, dreams, those dreams i've been living in since childhood, its about me, family, pride, pressure, expectations.........

I wanna run away!!

But, there's no escape.... Hw cn i escape myself... I am answerable to me myself...
I have to listen to myself...

DAMNED BE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!

Its all gonna be over now.... One of them has to die... The battle has begun...
waiting for the outcome...



" Right here is where the end gon' start at,
Conflict, Contact, Combat,
Fighters stand where the land is marked at,
Settle the dispute about who the livest,
3 word answer,
Whoever survive this,
Only one of us can ride forever,
So you and I cant ride together,
Can't live or cant die together,
All we can do is collide together,
So I skillfully apply the pressure,
Won't stop until I'm forever... One!"

The Call

Another battered corpse

He died

Happy

Warm

Red

Bathe me …

Let me be free

Let me take control

I’d take u there

To the catacombs

Dark

Endless

I’d show you the rabbit hole

Yes, this is your chance

I’d solve the mysteries of the universe

I’d answer all your questions

Light

Ignite

The music

Intoxicating

Nourishing me

Feeding me

Lovely taste

Frighteningly real

Burying you in me

Melting in me

Frighteningly real

Come to me, wont u?